Monday, April 11, 2011

Top least liked Thanksgiving day parade performances

The Stink Bug Brigade

The budget deficit ballet

The purple dinosaur that use to be a herbivore

 Penndot workers salting an unsuspecting crowd

 The Mob's greatest hits

Teachers in tuxedos forcing kids to do their homework

Live feeds of families indoors that are warm,  enjoying delicious food and have access to clean restrooms

What were they thinking! They actually allowed the Boy Scouts to light their campfire balloon.

 A health care reform Solo for allergy sufferers  titled "Quantitative Sneezing"

A scary balloon performance from Wall Street called "Flash Crash"

The National Rifle Association's  helium balloon marksmanship contest

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Thursday, January 13, 2011

Top signs your boss is a space alien

Can’t speak a sentence without using the word “Assimilate”
Disciplinary write-ups have been replaced with a disintegration chamber
Loudly slurps down a 64 oz soda while hovering above it and then eats the bottle.
Out of town reimbursement receipts are from the Andromeda and Milky Way galaxies
Instead of getting himself going with coffee he uses Uranium 235
Uses red beams from eyes to reheat yesterday’s prey
With your mind only you think, “I’d like a raise” and immediately your controlling collar shocks you
While pressing you against the ceiling he still has several hands free for email and paperwork
You can’t quite put your finger on it but it doesn’t seem normal to have more than one mouth attached to each tentacle
Has a time share in “Area 51”
When he pulls you into his locked office he often forgets that you can’t pass through solid objects as easily as he can
Unfairly uses space time continuum to make a killing in the stock market
Office parties consist of going to a local farm and making crop signs
His vacation pics were taken from inside the fission chamber of a nuclear reactor
Impresses clients with knowledge of matter / anti-matter intermix formulas and then eats them
Each year sends employees on an all expense paid trip to the Bermuda triangle and then hires new staff

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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Top reasons you got nothing from Santa this year

Sadly the economy has changed Santa's' "Ho Ho Ho" into "Lend me some dough ho ho"

That whole Elf thing at the mall last year that got way out of hand

That misunderstood comment about Mrs. Clause put you on his "Axis of Evil"

In cold weather you allow your pet Bull to sleep by the fireplace. And when he sees red.....

Your roof is a blasted deathtrap and last years cookies were stale!

You live in Texas and Santa found out the hard way that your chimney really is a venting pipe for an underground oil well

The Reindeer union goes on strike at 12:01 am Christmas. Something to do with the Elves pin the tail on the reindeer game

You belong to the National Rifle Association and anything on your property after dark is fair game

Global warming has melted Santa's ice city and it is now floating in the Gulf Stream

You have pulled his elastic beard and snapped it back for the last time!!

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Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Top signs you've eaten too much on Thanksgiving

The remote is squarely on your belly button but you can't reach it.

Every Sumo wrestler you pass by turns and squats in a defensive posture.

You've finished your last forkful and the kids are being told their breakfast is ready.

Before dinner you looked like a stunning "after" photo and after dinner you looked like that darn "before" photo

You receive a call at the dinner table and your boss says, " Where are you?  Monday's meeting is about to start."

If eating turkey became a felony there would not be any forensic evidence to convict you.

If food scraps from the table actually were fleas then your dog would not have to scratch himself for the rest of his life.

For your guests personal safety your spouse has requested that no one wear any headdresses displaying multiple feathers

When the food runs out you ask relatives stupid questions like "Aren't turkey bones edible?"

Although you cooked a manly sized turkey, when your guests arrive late your spouse nervously suggests to them that maybe it would  be a nice change of pace to order a pizza.

The amount of Serotonin in your system is enough to keep even the dawn from awakening

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Top signs you own a dumb dog

Requested that her I.Q. test  be reformatted so this time she can smell the questions and then eat them

Plays pin the tail on the donkey but keeps putting the tail on herself and then runs  in circles for hours trying to catch it.

She sees a fire hydrant but just can't grasp it's importance

At the Veterinarian office she gets extremely happy when she hears you say "spade". All she can think about is how many pretzels she got last time you played cards.

Can only count up to twenty.  But that's only once those silly little paw booties come off.

When asked to solve difficult  math questions like " How old are you in human years?" she has a nervous breakdown

Countless bruises on nose from confrontations with the evil dog guarding the other side of the  mirror

Dogs with blank stares  have to tell her what "spade" really means

She is frustrated and insists that the I.Q. test needs more questions like " If it looks like a bone, smells like a bone and tastes like a bone then what is it?

Actually believes that flea and tick baths gives you fleas and ticks

Continues to post on facebook the current  location of where she is digging  holes in the neighborhood  even though she just accepted a friend request from the dog catcher

Even after repeatedly watching that " Barking phonics" video she still pronounces "woof" as "oops"

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Monday, January 10, 2011

Top signs you're on your boss' bad side

Other employee's get year end bonuses; you get tasered.

12 times during your performance evaluation you distinctly heard the words "Drop dead"

He's serves a new trainee coffee in your coffee cup and then invites him to drink it at your desk.

The only reason you were invited to the office party was to play the donkey in the pin the tail on the donkey game

Your name is Bob and when you play your employer's  albums backwards you clearly hear the words "Kill Bob"

He asks you to go and pick up a pizza and then quickly changes the locks.

Your keenly trained senses suggests there may be something amiss. Your boss won't give you eye contact, he  straightens perfectly ordered papers, and you pick up a slight stuttering when he says "Your fired!"

You so annoy everyone that when the boss hires the mafia to do a hit on you Mr. Big says "It's on the house"

Your 8 x 10 photo of your family has been switched out with an unemployment application

If memory serves you correctly, the directions to your new work area places you inside the chute that drops into the dumpster

You thought it was too good to be true that you were eligible for 52 weeks of vacation this year and you were right

My Bible devotional blog

Top signs you've said, "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" for the last time

Today you had to sign an insurance policy in which Farmer Jones is the beneficiary

Farmer Jones leads you out of your pen but this time his warm smile has been replaced with impatient lip smacking and a salt shaker

You no longer feel spiritual elation as in the past  when you were proudly referred to as the "The chosen one"

 It suddenly dawns on you why the others gave a months worth of feed to be cosmetically altered to look like Peacocks

 You found it strange that when you were  led out of your pen today they immediately put up a "Vacancy" sign.

 You can't understand why there is a inexplicable spike in the number of younger, skinner turkeys that are asking you for loans today.

You now see that it was counterproductive to join the gym and "Bulk up"

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Top signs your dog has an eating disorder

The word "gravy" whispered from 300 yards away makes him leap up even while under anesthesia

He is so full that if you put him in a dogapult and hurled him over the enemy walls he would be considered a weapon of mass destruction. (  note: a catapult is for cats )

At first you were hopeful when Fido enrolled in the 12 step program from "Devouring Dogs Anonymous."  But you are heartbroken when you hear that their 3 times a day meetings are held at the buffet.

When being treated for dehydration  he insists that the Vet use an I.V. filled with turkey gravy

He continuously begs you for more and more of those doggy appetite suppressant treats.

He doesn't like  politics mixed his chow time. He doesn't want to hear the words "Quantitative Eating"

Compared to him,  Pavlov's Salivating dogs appear to have cotton mouth

 After lunch he is so bloated that when the mailman comes all he can do is bark and frantically move his legs in midair.

In his boxing days, when knocked unconscious, it was more effective to use bacon than smelling salts

New Years resolutions made by me a dumb guy

Next time say hello to the  lion and pat the lion trainer on head

When doing  electrical work try not to forget that wearing clothes dried with static free sheets isn't a substitute for turning the power off

This time before testing a new Raccoon hat for size  make sure it's dead

Get a smart person to draw a big  L and  R on my hands, so if asked to raise my right hand there won't be that awkward moment

From now on brush my tooth every week!

Get me somebody to learn me how to fly one of them there space shuttle thingys so I can give them spacey aliens a wrastling they won't forget.

Plan ahead for those nights when I've counted every sheep and still haven't fallen asleep. Buy more sheep!

This year use soap and water for underarms instead of chicken bullion. It's cheaper and I'll probably have a lot less stray cats  following me

Figure a way to force technically superior beings from a distant galaxy to do my chores. Then figure a way to get to that distant galaxy and bring them here.

Top signs it's time to get rid of your car

In accident situations your airbags must be blown up manually

No matter where you try to set your destination, your g.p.s. recalculates to the nearest junkyard

When you drive up the street you hear an orchestra of  smoke detectors going off

Word of this  continuous, unapproachable,  black cloud has reached the domain of the octopus and they are envious

Your bumper hangs so low that the township hires you for snow removal

"Nutty Uncle Bob" sank so deep  into your rear cushions that you had to file a missing persons report

You are unable to tell the difference between normal engine noises and a fireworks grand finale

Your mechanic examines your car and then requests to be a beneficiary in your will

Plumes of smoke from your tailpipe showed up on NASA’s Terra satellite and they initiated a Super Volcano evacuation

" 0 to 60 in 8 seconds" has been replaced with "Why won't this blasted thing start again!"

You park in a high crime area. You leave your car unlocked and  running and there's a penny on your dashboard. You come back hours  later and the only thing stolen is the penny.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Top signs Santa has been overeating

The entire  warehouse of Elf cookies has been devoured and sadly even some of the Elves are missing

Santa is now charged for two seats on sleigh flights

Under intense strain, each reindeer's nose turns red

Impossible to talk to Santa without having a blizzard of red and green cookie crumbs spew at you

Workman's compensation claims for reindeer back injuries are through the roof ( not to mention the sleigh itself being through the roof)

The conveyor belt carrying the Elves cookies has been rerouted to Santa's mouth

Chimneys are no longer an option; just hurls presents during flyby

Santa sits on sleigh;  sleigh collapses

Under tremendous pressure,  Santa's belt buckle launches off and  demolishes  the toy factory

At security checkpoints it takes a dozen men  hours to pat him down

Santa's press release alleges that intense meteor showers were to blame for widespread  roof damage

Top signs you're a Facebook junkie

When your dog needs to go to the bathroom he has to post a request on your Wall

Your facebook page has made your nightlight obsolete

Staring at your grandchildren pics with bloodshot eyes is a small indicator of how long you've been online. The big indicator is that when you signed on your status was single.

You've downloaded  a shower app so you can max your online time

You place your lunch on your keyboard so you won't forget it in the morning

Your loved one sits down with you on the couch. You ask them about their day in a chat session

You were actually outside yesterday and were awestruck that there were still real people accomplishing productive non-virtual things

Career development and plans of starting a family have been replaced with upping your "Friends" and "Liked this" count

Your activity on facebook is so intense that the neighboring towns are experiencing rolling brown outs

The lights are out, your eyes are shut but your burned out  retinas are still displaying your facebook page

Yesterday you momentarily logged off  in hopes of still catching  President Clinton's swearing in ceremony

You've enrolled in a 12 step Facebook program. Ironically step 1 is to admit you are a "Facebook Junkie" in the comments section

What must I do to go to Heaven?

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