tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27478684746899187082023-11-15T09:51:35.649-08:00Clean Jokesjokes, laugh, funny, punch line, laughter, fun, comedy, comedian, one liners, clean jokes, pun, standup comedy, humor, humorous, laughingAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-32098036579148002102011-04-11T20:55:00.000-07:002011-04-11T17:51:10.866-07:00Top least liked Thanksgiving day parade performancesThe Stink Bug Brigade<br />
<br />
The budget deficit ballet<br />
<br />
The purple dinosaur that use to be a herbivore<br />
<br />
Penndot workers salting an unsuspecting crowd<br />
<br />
The Mob's greatest hits<br />
<br />
Teachers in tuxedos forcing kids to do their homework<br />
<br />
Live feeds of families indoors that are warm, enjoying delicious food and have access to clean restrooms<br />
<br />
What were they thinking! They actually allowed the Boy Scouts to light their campfire balloon.<br />
<br />
A health care reform Solo for allergy sufferers titled "Quantitative Sneezing"<br />
<br />
A scary balloon performance from Wall Street called "Flash Crash"<br />
<br />
The National Rifle Association's helium balloon marksmanship contest<br />
<br />
"My humor blog":http://comedy-funny-humor-jokes-laugh.blogspot.com/<br />
"My Bible devotional blog":http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">My Bible devotional blog</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-30097481288569189752011-01-13T15:22:00.000-08:002011-01-13T19:48:22.546-08:00Top signs your boss is a space alienCan’t speak a sentence without using the word “Assimilate”<br />
Disciplinary write-ups have been replaced with a disintegration chamber<br />
Loudly slurps down a 64 oz soda while hovering above it and then eats the bottle. <br />
Out of town reimbursement receipts are from the Andromeda and Milky Way galaxies <br />
Instead of getting himself going with coffee he uses Uranium 235 <br />
Uses red beams from eyes to reheat yesterday’s prey<br />
With your mind only you think, “I’d like a raise” and immediately your controlling collar shocks you<br />
While pressing you against the ceiling he still has several hands free for email and paperwork<br />
You can’t quite put your finger on it but it doesn’t seem normal to have more than one mouth attached to each tentacle<br />
Has a time share in “Area 51”<br />
When he pulls you into his locked office he often forgets that you can’t pass through solid objects as easily as he can<br />
Unfairly uses space time continuum to make a killing in the stock market<br />
Office parties consist of going to a local farm and making crop signs<br />
His vacation pics were taken from inside the fission chamber of a nuclear reactor<br />
Impresses clients with knowledge of matter / anti-matter intermix formulas and then eats them<br />
Each year sends employees on an all expense paid trip to the Bermuda triangle and then hires new staff<p></p><p><a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">My Bible devotional blog</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-70174302395824314592011-01-12T14:40:00.000-08:002011-01-12T14:40:19.168-08:00Top reasons you got nothing from Santa this yearSadly the economy has changed Santa's' "Ho Ho Ho" into "Lend me some dough ho ho"<br />
<br />
That whole Elf thing at the mall last year that got way out of hand<br />
<br />
That misunderstood comment about Mrs. Clause put you on his "Axis of Evil"<br />
<br />
In cold weather you allow your pet Bull to sleep by the fireplace. And when he sees red.....<br />
<br />
Your roof is a blasted deathtrap and last years cookies were stale!<br />
<br />
You live in Texas and Santa found out the hard way that your chimney really is a venting pipe for an underground oil well<br />
<br />
The Reindeer union goes on strike at 12:01 am Christmas. Something to do with the Elves pin the tail on the reindeer game<br />
<br />
You belong to the National Rifle Association and anything on your property after dark is fair game<br />
<br />
Global warming has melted Santa's ice city and it is now floating in the Gulf Stream<br />
<br />
You have pulled his elastic beard and snapped it back for the last time!!<br />
<p></p><a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">My Bible devotional blog</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-32345105323857591092011-01-11T17:29:00.000-08:002011-01-11T17:33:22.179-08:00Top signs you've eaten too much on ThanksgivingThe remote is squarely on your belly button but you can't reach it.<br />
<br />
Every Sumo wrestler you pass by turns and squats in a defensive posture.<br />
<br />
You've finished your last forkful and the kids are being told their breakfast is ready.<br />
<br />
Before dinner you looked like a stunning "after" photo and after dinner you looked like that darn "before" photo<br />
<br />
You receive a call at the dinner table and your boss says, " Where are you? Monday's meeting is about to start."<br />
<br />
If eating turkey became a felony there would not be any forensic evidence to convict you.<br />
<br />
If food scraps from the table actually were fleas then your dog would not have to scratch himself for the rest of his life.<br />
<br />
For your guests personal safety your spouse has requested that no one wear any headdresses displaying multiple feathers<br />
<br />
When the food runs out you ask relatives stupid questions like "Aren't turkey bones edible?"<br />
<br />
Although you cooked a manly sized turkey, when your guests arrive late your spouse nervously suggests to them that maybe it would be a nice change of pace to order a pizza.<br />
<br />
The amount of Serotonin in your system is enough to keep even the dawn from awakening<br />
<p></p><a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">My Bible devotional blog</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-8097862617098137332011-01-11T11:18:00.000-08:002011-01-11T11:18:54.400-08:00Top signs you own a dumb dogRequested that her I.Q. test be reformatted so this time she can smell the questions and then eat them<br />
<br />
Plays pin the tail on the donkey but keeps putting the tail on herself and then runs in circles for hours trying to catch it.<br />
<br />
She sees a fire hydrant but just can't grasp it's importance<br />
<br />
At the Veterinarian office she gets extremely happy when she hears you say "spade". All she can think about is how many pretzels she got last time you played cards.<br />
<br />
Can only count up to twenty. But that's only once those silly little paw booties come off.<br />
<br />
When asked to solve difficult math questions like " How old are you in human years?" she has a nervous breakdown<br />
<br />
Countless bruises on nose from confrontations with the evil dog guarding the other side of the mirror<br />
<br />
Dogs with blank stares have to tell her what "spade" really means<br />
<br />
She is frustrated and insists that the I.Q. test needs more questions like " If it looks like a bone, smells like a bone and tastes like a bone then what is it?<br />
<br />
Actually believes that flea and tick baths gives you fleas and ticks<br />
<br />
Continues to post on facebook the current location of where she is digging holes in the neighborhood even though she just accepted a friend request from the dog catcher<br />
<br />
Even after repeatedly watching that " Barking phonics" video she still pronounces "woof" as "oops"<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">My Bible devotional</span></a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-61927115788479116172011-01-10T18:39:00.000-08:002011-01-10T18:39:08.289-08:00Top signs you're on your boss' bad sideOther employee's get year end bonuses; you get tasered.<br />
<br />
12 times during your performance evaluation you distinctly heard the words "Drop dead"<br />
<br />
He's serves a new trainee coffee in your coffee cup and then invites him to drink it at your desk.<br />
<br />
The only reason you were invited to the office party was to play the donkey in the pin the tail on the donkey game<br />
<br />
Your name is Bob and when you play your employer's albums backwards you clearly hear the words "Kill Bob"<br />
<br />
He asks you to go and pick up a pizza and then quickly changes the locks.<br />
<br />
Your keenly trained senses suggests there may be something amiss. Your boss won't give you eye contact, he straightens perfectly ordered papers, and you pick up a slight stuttering when he says "Your fired!"<br />
<br />
You so annoy everyone that when the boss hires the mafia to do a hit on you Mr. Big says "It's on the house"<br />
<br />
Your 8 x 10 photo of your family has been switched out with an unemployment application<br />
<br />
If memory serves you correctly, the directions to your new work area places you inside the chute that drops into the dumpster<br />
<br />
You thought it was too good to be true that you were eligible for 52 weeks of vacation this year and you were right<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/">My Bible devotional blog</a>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-12784629894080637722011-01-10T07:33:00.000-08:002011-01-10T07:33:30.920-08:00Top signs you've said, "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" for the last timeToday you had to sign an insurance policy in which Farmer Jones is the beneficiary<br />
<br />
Farmer Jones leads you out of your pen but this time his warm smile has been replaced with impatient lip smacking and a salt shaker<br />
<br />
You no longer feel spiritual elation as in the past when you were proudly referred to as the "The chosen one"<br />
<br />
It suddenly dawns on you why the others gave a months worth of feed to be cosmetically altered to look like Peacocks<br />
<br />
You found it strange that when you were led out of your pen today they immediately put up a "Vacancy" sign.<br />
<br />
You can't understand why there is a inexplicable spike in the number of younger, skinner turkeys that are asking you for loans today.<br />
<br />
You now see that it was counterproductive to join the gym and "Bulk up"Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-30083163150969150312011-01-09T13:43:00.001-08:002011-01-09T13:43:55.245-08:00Top signs your dog has an eating disorder<div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">The word "gravy" whispered from 300 yards away makes him leap up even while under anesthesia</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">He is so full that if you put him in a dogapult and hurled him over the enemy walls he would be considered a weapon of mass destruction. ( note: a catapult is for cats )</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">At first you were hopeful when Fido enrolled in the 12 step program from "Devouring Dogs Anonymous." But you are heartbroken when you hear that their 3 times a day meetings are held at the buffet.</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">When being treated for dehydration he insists that the Vet use an I.V. filled with turkey gravy</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">He continuously begs you for more and more of those doggy appetite suppressant treats.</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">He doesn't like politics mixed his chow time. He doesn't want to hear the words "Quantitative Eating"</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Compared to him, Pavlov's Salivating dogs appear to have cotton mouth</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"> After lunch he is so bloated that when the mailman comes all he can do is bark and frantically move his legs in midair.</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">In his boxing days, when knocked unconscious, it was more effective to use bacon than smelling salts</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-69333163930727624822011-01-09T12:07:00.000-08:002011-01-09T12:07:30.014-08:00New Years resolutions made by me a dumb guy<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Next time say hello to the lion and pat the lion trainer on head</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">When doing electrical work try not to forget that wearing clothes dried with static free sheets isn't a substitute for turning the power off</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">This time before testing a new Raccoon hat for size make sure it's dead</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Get a smart person to draw a big L and R on my hands, so if asked to raise my right hand there won't be that awkward moment</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">From now on brush my tooth every week!</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Get me somebody to learn me how to fly one of them there space shuttle thingys so I can give them spacey aliens a wrastling they won't forget.</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Plan ahead for those nights when I've counted every sheep and still haven't fallen asleep. Buy more sheep!</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">This year use soap and water for underarms instead of chicken bullion. It's cheaper and I'll probably have a lot less stray cats following me</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Figure a way to force technically superior beings from a distant galaxy to do my chores. Then figure a way to get to that distant galaxy and bring them here.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-86288543724881793242011-01-09T08:03:00.000-08:002011-01-09T08:03:00.261-08:00Top signs it's time to get rid of your car<div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">In accident situations your airbags must be blown up manually</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">No matter where you try to set your destination, your g.p.s. recalculates to the nearest junkyard</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">When you drive up the street you hear an orchestra of smoke detectors going off</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Word of this continuous, unapproachable, black cloud has reached the domain of the octopus and they are envious</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Your bumper hangs so low that the township hires you for snow removal</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">"Nutty Uncle Bob" sank so deep into your rear cushions that you had to file a missing persons report</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">You are unable to tell the difference between normal engine noises and a fireworks grand finale</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Your mechanic examines your car and then requests to be a beneficiary in your will</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Plumes of smoke from your tailpipe showed up on NASA’s Terra satellite and they initiated a Super Volcano evacuation</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">" 0 to 60 in 8 seconds" has been replaced with "Why won't this blasted thing start again!"</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">You park in a high crime area. You leave your car unlocked and running and there's a penny on your dashboard. You come back hours later and the only thing stolen is the penny.</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-10915092046927082422011-01-08T20:58:00.000-08:002011-01-08T20:58:17.059-08:00Top signs Santa has been overeating<div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">The entire warehouse of Elf cookies has been devoured and sadly even some of the Elves are missing</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Santa is now charged for two seats on sleigh flights</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Under intense strain, each reindeer's nose turns red</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Impossible to talk to Santa without having a blizzard of red and green cookie crumbs spew at you</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Workman's compensation claims for reindeer back injuries are through the roof ( not to mention the sleigh itself being through the roof)</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">The conveyor belt carrying the Elves cookies has been rerouted to Santa's mouth</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Chimneys are no longer an option; just hurls presents during flyby</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Santa sits on sleigh; sleigh collapses</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Under tremendous pressure, Santa's belt buckle launches off and demolishes the toy factory</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">At security checkpoints it takes a dozen men hours to pat him down</div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;"><br style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px;" /></div><div style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;">Santa's press release alleges that intense meteor showers were to blame for widespread roof damage</div><div><br />
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2747868474689918708.post-70787874027349918642011-01-08T16:50:00.000-08:002011-02-18T05:24:52.231-08:00Top signs you're a Facebook junkie<div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">When your dog needs to go to the bathroom he has to post a request on your Wall</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Your facebook page has made your nightlight obsolete</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Staring at your grandchildren pics with bloodshot eyes is a small indicator of how long you've been online. The big indicator is that when you signed on your status was single.</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">You've downloaded a shower app so you can max your online time</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">You place your lunch on your keyboard so you won't forget it in the morning</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Your loved one sits down with you on the couch. You ask them about their day in a chat session</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">You were actually outside yesterday and were awestruck that there were still real people accomplishing productive non-virtual things</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Career development and plans of starting a family have been replaced with upping your "Friends" and "Liked this" count</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Your activity on facebook is so intense that the neighboring towns are experiencing rolling brown outs</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">The lights are out, your eyes are shut but your burned out retinas are still displaying your facebook page</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">Yesterday you momentarily logged off in hopes of still catching President Clinton's swearing in ceremony</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 1.5em; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;">You've enrolled in a 12 step Facebook program. Ironically step 1 is to admit you are a "Facebook Junkie" in the comments section<br />
<br />
<a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/p/what-must-i-do-to-go-to-heaven.html">What must I do to go to Heaven?</a><br />
<br />
<a href="http://bible-verses-devotional-bible-study.blogspot.com/">My Bible devotional blog</a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15280675543575340764noreply@blogger.com0