Monday, April 11, 2011

Top least liked Thanksgiving day parade performances

The Stink Bug Brigade

The budget deficit ballet

The purple dinosaur that use to be a herbivore

 Penndot workers salting an unsuspecting crowd

 The Mob's greatest hits

Teachers in tuxedos forcing kids to do their homework

Live feeds of families indoors that are warm,  enjoying delicious food and have access to clean restrooms

What were they thinking! They actually allowed the Boy Scouts to light their campfire balloon.

 A health care reform Solo for allergy sufferers  titled "Quantitative Sneezing"

A scary balloon performance from Wall Street called "Flash Crash"

The National Rifle Association's  helium balloon marksmanship contest

"My humor blog":
"My Bible devotional blog":

My Bible devotional blog

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Top signs your boss is a space alien

Can’t speak a sentence without using the word “Assimilate”
Disciplinary write-ups have been replaced with a disintegration chamber
Loudly slurps down a 64 oz soda while hovering above it and then eats the bottle.
Out of town reimbursement receipts are from the Andromeda and Milky Way galaxies
Instead of getting himself going with coffee he uses Uranium 235
Uses red beams from eyes to reheat yesterday’s prey
With your mind only you think, “I’d like a raise” and immediately your controlling collar shocks you
While pressing you against the ceiling he still has several hands free for email and paperwork
You can’t quite put your finger on it but it doesn’t seem normal to have more than one mouth attached to each tentacle
Has a time share in “Area 51”
When he pulls you into his locked office he often forgets that you can’t pass through solid objects as easily as he can
Unfairly uses space time continuum to make a killing in the stock market
Office parties consist of going to a local farm and making crop signs
His vacation pics were taken from inside the fission chamber of a nuclear reactor
Impresses clients with knowledge of matter / anti-matter intermix formulas and then eats them
Each year sends employees on an all expense paid trip to the Bermuda triangle and then hires new staff

My Bible devotional blog

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Top reasons you got nothing from Santa this year

Sadly the economy has changed Santa's' "Ho Ho Ho" into "Lend me some dough ho ho"

That whole Elf thing at the mall last year that got way out of hand

That misunderstood comment about Mrs. Clause put you on his "Axis of Evil"

In cold weather you allow your pet Bull to sleep by the fireplace. And when he sees red.....

Your roof is a blasted deathtrap and last years cookies were stale!

You live in Texas and Santa found out the hard way that your chimney really is a venting pipe for an underground oil well

The Reindeer union goes on strike at 12:01 am Christmas. Something to do with the Elves pin the tail on the reindeer game

You belong to the National Rifle Association and anything on your property after dark is fair game

Global warming has melted Santa's ice city and it is now floating in the Gulf Stream

You have pulled his elastic beard and snapped it back for the last time!!

My Bible devotional blog

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Top signs you've eaten too much on Thanksgiving

The remote is squarely on your belly button but you can't reach it.

Every Sumo wrestler you pass by turns and squats in a defensive posture.

You've finished your last forkful and the kids are being told their breakfast is ready.

Before dinner you looked like a stunning "after" photo and after dinner you looked like that darn "before" photo

You receive a call at the dinner table and your boss says, " Where are you?  Monday's meeting is about to start."

If eating turkey became a felony there would not be any forensic evidence to convict you.

If food scraps from the table actually were fleas then your dog would not have to scratch himself for the rest of his life.

For your guests personal safety your spouse has requested that no one wear any headdresses displaying multiple feathers

When the food runs out you ask relatives stupid questions like "Aren't turkey bones edible?"

Although you cooked a manly sized turkey, when your guests arrive late your spouse nervously suggests to them that maybe it would  be a nice change of pace to order a pizza.

The amount of Serotonin in your system is enough to keep even the dawn from awakening

My Bible devotional blog

Top signs you own a dumb dog

Requested that her I.Q. test  be reformatted so this time she can smell the questions and then eat them

Plays pin the tail on the donkey but keeps putting the tail on herself and then runs  in circles for hours trying to catch it.

She sees a fire hydrant but just can't grasp it's importance

At the Veterinarian office she gets extremely happy when she hears you say "spade". All she can think about is how many pretzels she got last time you played cards.

Can only count up to twenty.  But that's only once those silly little paw booties come off.

When asked to solve difficult  math questions like " How old are you in human years?" she has a nervous breakdown

Countless bruises on nose from confrontations with the evil dog guarding the other side of the  mirror

Dogs with blank stares  have to tell her what "spade" really means

She is frustrated and insists that the I.Q. test needs more questions like " If it looks like a bone, smells like a bone and tastes like a bone then what is it?

Actually believes that flea and tick baths gives you fleas and ticks

Continues to post on facebook the current  location of where she is digging  holes in the neighborhood  even though she just accepted a friend request from the dog catcher

Even after repeatedly watching that " Barking phonics" video she still pronounces "woof" as "oops"

My Bible devotional

Monday, January 10, 2011

Top signs you're on your boss' bad side

Other employee's get year end bonuses; you get tasered.

12 times during your performance evaluation you distinctly heard the words "Drop dead"

He's serves a new trainee coffee in your coffee cup and then invites him to drink it at your desk.

The only reason you were invited to the office party was to play the donkey in the pin the tail on the donkey game

Your name is Bob and when you play your employer's  albums backwards you clearly hear the words "Kill Bob"

He asks you to go and pick up a pizza and then quickly changes the locks.

Your keenly trained senses suggests there may be something amiss. Your boss won't give you eye contact, he  straightens perfectly ordered papers, and you pick up a slight stuttering when he says "Your fired!"

You so annoy everyone that when the boss hires the mafia to do a hit on you Mr. Big says "It's on the house"

Your 8 x 10 photo of your family has been switched out with an unemployment application

If memory serves you correctly, the directions to your new work area places you inside the chute that drops into the dumpster

You thought it was too good to be true that you were eligible for 52 weeks of vacation this year and you were right

My Bible devotional blog

Top signs you've said, "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" for the last time

Today you had to sign an insurance policy in which Farmer Jones is the beneficiary

Farmer Jones leads you out of your pen but this time his warm smile has been replaced with impatient lip smacking and a salt shaker

You no longer feel spiritual elation as in the past  when you were proudly referred to as the "The chosen one"

 It suddenly dawns on you why the others gave a months worth of feed to be cosmetically altered to look like Peacocks

 You found it strange that when you were  led out of your pen today they immediately put up a "Vacancy" sign.

 You can't understand why there is a inexplicable spike in the number of younger, skinner turkeys that are asking you for loans today.

You now see that it was counterproductive to join the gym and "Bulk up"